9 Ways to Fight for Your Relationships

We’re better together. Stronger together. But today, it’s tougher to create and maintain the togetherness. We’re swamped, distracted, isolated by technology, and divided by issues.

We need to decide that our relationships are vital. “There is a direct relationship between a person’s degree of social isolation and their risk for physical and mental health problems. But when you do have connectedness – your “church home” – you have built-in buffers for whatever stress or distress you experience.” Bruce Perry, M.D., Ph.D.

Then we need to decide to put in the intentional ongoing effort that will build and maintain our relationships with our family members, friends, and coworkers.

Based on principles from psychology and the Bible, I’ve compiled a list of nine ways you can fight for your relationships. Under each principle, I’ve described productive and counterproductive ways to practice it, and then given a Bible verse that reflects it. These concepts are simplified for brevity but can be a good starting point. What thoughts and recommendations do you have? 

1. REACH OUT. Relationships require time, nurturing, and intentionality.

·       Productive: Spending time. Calling. Texting. Writing. Praying together.

·       Counterproductive: Neglecting the relationship.

·       Verse: “Serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Gal 5:13b-14).

2. HAVE THE TALK. Sometimes you need to let a person know what’s getting in the way of your relationship. It’s also good to communicate your expectations instead of thinking someone will know what you expect.

·       Productive: Finding a time to talk in person. Choosing your battles. Using “I” statements.

·       Counterproductive: Avoiding the person or the conversation. Using accusatory language. Assuming. Nitpicking.

·       Verse: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15).

3. HEAR: Pay close attention to what the person is saying with an ear to understand them.  As Stephen Covey said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

·       Productive: Saying, “Help me understand,” “Tell me more,” or “I heard you say.”

·       Counterproductive: Continuing to tell your side. Making the conversation about you. Creating the next comment in your head.

·       Verse: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19b).

4. RESPECT. Relationships require acceptance. “Meeting someone where they’re at means honoring and respecting where they’re currently at in their life journey, not where you want them to be.” (National Health Corps)

·       Constructive: Learning their story. Acknowledging that they are different than you and that their path is also different. Giving them space to make their own choices. Speaking their love language. Asking their preference before acting.

·       Detrimental: Expecting them to be the same as you.

·       Verse: “Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on his opinions. . . .  Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring glory to God” (Rom. 14:1, 15:7).

5. REGULATE.  Relationships can be damaged by the effect of improperly expressed negative emotions. It’s your responsibility to manage your emotions, not someone else’s.

·       Constructive: Recognizing your emotional reaction. Managing your emotions. Taking time out to calm down. Finding ways to gain wisdom and perspective.

·       Destructive: Acting out. Allowing your emotions to hijack you. Blaming others for your outbursts.

·       Verse: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Eph 4:2).

6. CHECK YOUR HEART.  Often, without realizing it, you may give to someone in order to get something like attention, approval, validation, or security.  This can be people-pleasing. Examine your motivations and practice the Greatest Commandments. Do everything out of a love for God or a love for others.

·       Constructive: Giving out of love or a desire to serve God.

·       Destructive: Giving in order to receive something you want or need, like attention, love, approval, validation, or security.

·       Bible: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Gal. 1:10).

7. SEE WITH GOD’S EYES. God sees the good in people and believes in their potential. Examples of this include Gideon, Mary, Peter and Matthew. God sees our humanity and treats us with mercy and compassion.

·       Constructive: Focusing on the good in someone. Believing in their potential. Having grace on their faults.

·       Detrimental: Focusing on someone’s shortcomings. Having unrealistic expectations of someone. 

·       Verse: “And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church” (Matt. 16:18a). “As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust” (Ps. 103:13-14).

9. PRIORITIZE. As the popular saying goes, “You can be right, or you can be in a relationship.” (Attributed to Terry Real.) When you make a conversation about who is right, you reduce the potential to have a productive discussion.

·       Constructive: Having the attitude of, “You are more important to me than this issue.”

·       Detrimental: Trying to get the other person to see that you’re objectively right and they’re wrong.

·       Bible: “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11).

9. SHIELD. Prohibit interactions that adversely affect you and subsequently adversely affect a relationship. This includes telling someone when their treatment of you crosses a line or when they ask more than you feel you can give.

·       Constructive: Saying, “It’s not okay for you to treat me like that” or “I want to help but can’t do that right now.” Taking ownership of your choices with a willing heart.

·       Detrimental: Developing negative feelings towards someone that stem from doing or enduring something undesirable.  

·       Bible: “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” 2 Cor. 9:7